Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Dear Ganesha, I Give up. I Quit. Please help!

There are posts that I write for anyone who is looking for an answer, and then there are posts I write for specific person or a group of people. Rarely, I write posts like this one which is only for me.

Each one of us, at various points in our lives, feels like a loser. Today I feel the same way. Today, for first time in a long time, I feel why the hell did I take up this title of "Aasthik". Being an Aasthik means to have absolute faith. Today, my faith is shaken.

Dear Ganesha, I am tired of your little games. I am tired of being tested again and again. I request you sincerely to stop your game. I don't want to play anymore. I want to quit at this very moment. No, I just quit.

Why the hell should I devote my life to you and the service of the people if they themselves do not want to change? Why should I fight for the cowards who have no spine? Why have you given me this feeling of patriotism when others are looting the country? Why?

Why does my heart cry and the soul bleed when I see something wrong happening? A hungry child or a martyr, a differently abled or a slum - why do these sights hurt me?

And then, anytime, I deviate even a little bit, when I try to have some fun in my life, why the hell do you mess it up?

Why have you given me so much of compassion and anger at the same time? It's maddening when you combine the two. Why don't you understand if I am not happy with myself, how can I make others happy?

Why do you need to keep testing me again and again? You know lot of people look up to me. You know I can't fake it. I can't put up a smiling face when I am hurting on the inside. If not for the people for whom somehow I have become an inspiration, I would have ended my own life long time ago!

You know the things that I have had to deal and you also know that I never give up before. But today I give up. I can't fight anymore. I surrender unconditionally.

Krishna told Arjuna to discard all the Dharms and surrender to him. That's what I am doing today. I don't have the energy or the stamina to fight anymore. I just can't. Help me! This pain is unbearable. I really don't find this life worth living.

If you have some plans, do let me know. Otherwise I do not know what to do! I just don't. I have tried meditation, introspection and anything and everything I could do. Either show me the way, or take away this wretched life you have given me.

I don't know whether I have the right to be angry or mad at you but I am today. And you know exactly why! My life is public, and I could easily write what is it that bothers me, but its the people associated with me who are so bothered about their own image that they don't want me to disclose my problems. Talk about being bonded by people.

Free me from this curse Ganesha. I have always thought of you as my best friend. I have always believed in you and that you will help me even when everybody else will leave me. I have devoted my life in your service. I need your help Ganesha. Please, please help me!!

You know how many people will be affected if I give up right? Why are you doing this to me? You know its a total Deja Vu and its worse this time around. How many times are you going to test my faith?

If this is the price I have to pay to have the title of Aasthik, then please, take it away. I don't want or need it anymore.

If being an Aasthik means to have an absolute trust in you Ganesha; then being Ganesha also means that you have trust in me. If you have trust in me, why the hell do you need to test my faith time and again?

The more I write the more angry I become. I don't know when to stop. Why am I getting these feelings? One moment I am on cloud nine, the other moment I am feeling super-sad. What the hell have you done to me? I need answers Ganesha. Please give them to me! Or just end my life.

Its been too much now. One after another, after another. What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you want to break me and my spirit as well as my faith?

I don't need an examiner right now, Ganesha. I need a friend. I need you in my life. Come back, Ganesha. It feels like you are angry at me for some reason. What have I done to make you angry? I have been carrying out your work as much as I can do. As much as I can understand. Then why? Why are you angry at me? Please stop being angry at me. Help me Ganesha. Help me! Help me! Help me Ganesha! Help me!!